You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

I have put off writing this post for quite some time because I didn't know how to do it.  I still don't think I do but I feel strongly that it is the right time to share it.

On Tuesday April 8, 2014, Jay and I found out that we were expecting our first child.  We were thrilled!  Since Jay had cancer when he was younger we were worried about possible infertility issues.  We were so excited to begin the process of growing our eternal family.  We talked about baby names and day dreamed about all the fun things we would get to do with our sweet little baby.  We even joked about me going into labor during student teaching or at our final concert.  As we anxiously waited for the first appointment I finished my on campus college classes.  I went on tour with my choir and Jay started another semester of school and work.  I came home and began working on campus with various musical classes.  Everything was perfect.

On Friday May 16, 2014, Jay and I anxiously drove to our first doctor's appointment.  There were obviously some mixed feelings of anxiety and exhilaration...we were finally going to see the first images of our sweet baby!  As they began the ultrasound process I knew something wasn't right.  Instead of a precious living baby there was nothing.  The screen was blank.  The technician's bubbly attitude quickly became somber as she searched for a sign of life.  She tried to remain calm as she asked me if I had been having any weird symptoms.  I responded that everything seemed pretty normal according to what I had read.  She then turned off the machine and told us that according to the measurements our baby had stopped developing almost 3 weeks previous.  We had had a miscarriage.

I was stunned. Absolutely stunned.  My body physically couldn't react.  Instead of crying I just resorted to a callous sort of humor about the whole situation.  I just couldn't face the reality that a life that was there one second could be gone the next.

The following weeks and months were incredibly difficult.  Many mornings were spent weeping over the scriptures and pleading with my Heavenly Father for comfort and understanding.  I had a testimony that it must be a part of a bigger plan but it was hard to see exactly how this part of the plan was going to help me.  I was obeying the commandment to raise a family.  I was doing all the right things.  Why did this have to happen?

..............................................

December 16.  Today is the due date of our first little baby.

A day that used to hold such joy and excitement for our family now causes me to pause and reflect on the Plan of Salvation and the love that the Lord has for my family and I.  I still don't understand why this happened and I am not sure I ever will, but I can tell you some things I do know.  I know that God loves his children.  I know that God lives and I know that I will someday be able to hold my sweet baby again.  I anxiously await that day and treasure the small amount of time we had together in this life.  

Although each day and question such as "How many children do you have?" or "Aren't you so excited for your first baby?" still causes my heart to ache I have found peace through my Savior Jesus Christ: his birth, ministry, atonement, and resurrection.  No matter your trial, I pray that you too can find this peace that penetrates the soul and calms the spirit, especially during this Christmas season.  

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy
when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear
how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

We love you Baby Valle!

Book Review - Let it Go

Let It Go - Chris Williams

This book, although not book of literary genius, is an incredible story about a father's desire to forgive after a drunk driving accident killed his wife, unborn child, only daughter, and second oldest son. [See an abridged version of the story in the video above.]  This book had me crying for at least two chapters and then pondering and teary throughout the rest.  This book has an inspiring message of trust in the Lord and will touch your heart.  I found myself pondering some incredibly deep questions about life.  I highly recommend this fast read for anyone looking for a sense of hope or encouragement during the trials of life.

Book Reviews

About a week ago our WiFi was out for a week at our apartment.  With less access to the internet I found myself with loads of extra time to read books.  Here are brief reviews for each of the books I've read in the last two weeks.

A Grief Observed - C.S. Lewis

If you have ever experienced doubts, loss, or heartache this is the book for you.  C.S. Lewis has a beautiful way with words.  His thoughts are quite candid as he explores his feelings after the death of his beloved wife.  Amidst this trial he comments on his feelings, doubts, and sense of faith.  These eloquent words bring comfort through their fierce honesty.

How Will You Measure Your Life? - Clayton M. Christensen

This book explores the true meaning of success in business and personal relationships.  It is chalked full of real life examples from the business world featuring the theories that lead to lasting success.  I found the book to be a little too business-oriented for my taste but I did find some incredible parallels to my life.  This book will make you evaluate who you are and how you view success which is a powerful idea in the culture of today.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - J.K. Rowling

I am not sure that I really even need to touch on the brilliance of this book, but I will.  I am not sure why I never read the first few in this series but I guess I did not fully realize what I was missing.  We all know the book is always better than the movie but reading this book helped me to re-live my childhood.  As I had just seen the movie a few weeks previous to reading this it was a fascinating adventure to compare the two.  If you haven't read this book, please do.

The Rent Collector - Camron Wright

This book came as a suggestion from my mom and it combines the elements of the three books above that I enjoyed most.  This book has an exciting story line that is engaging throughout the entire read.  This book, set in community that lives in the dumps of Cambodia, makes you think about the way you live your life.  It makes you evaluate what is truly important in life and how the past can affect your future.  This book also offers a beautiful promise of hope and optimism despite trying times.  It is an incredibly quick read and it based on real history and communities.  I highly recommend this book.

Feel free to leave recommendations for further books I should read in the comments.  Next on the docket are: Peace Like a River, The Fault in Our Stars, and Let It Go.