I have put off writing this post for quite some time because I didn't know how to do it. I still don't think I do but I feel strongly that it is the right time to share it.
On Tuesday April 8, 2014, Jay and I found out that we were expecting our first child. We were thrilled! Since Jay had cancer when he was younger we were worried about possible infertility issues. We were so excited to begin the process of growing our eternal family. We talked about baby names and day dreamed about all the fun things we would get to do with our sweet little baby. We even joked about me going into labor during student teaching or at our final concert. As we anxiously waited for the first appointment I finished my on campus college classes. I went on tour with my choir and Jay started another semester of school and work. I came home and began working on campus with various musical classes. Everything was perfect.
On Friday May 16, 2014, Jay and I anxiously drove to our first doctor's appointment. There were obviously some mixed feelings of anxiety and exhilaration...we were finally going to see the first images of our sweet baby! As they began the ultrasound process I knew something wasn't right. Instead of a precious living baby there was nothing. The screen was blank. The technician's bubbly attitude quickly became somber as she searched for a sign of life. She tried to remain calm as she asked me if I had been having any weird symptoms. I responded that everything seemed pretty normal according to what I had read. She then turned off the machine and told us that according to the measurements our baby had stopped developing almost 3 weeks previous. We had had a miscarriage.
I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. My body physically couldn't react. Instead of crying I just resorted to a callous sort of humor about the whole situation. I just couldn't face the reality that a life that was there one second could be gone the next.
The following weeks and months were incredibly difficult. Many mornings were spent weeping over the scriptures and pleading with my Heavenly Father for comfort and understanding. I had a testimony that it must be a part of a bigger plan but it was hard to see exactly how this part of the plan was going to help me. I was obeying the commandment to raise a family. I was doing all the right things. Why did this have to happen?
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December 16. Today is the due date of our first little baby.
A day that used to hold such joy and excitement for our family now causes me to pause and reflect on the Plan of Salvation and the love that the Lord has for my family and I. I still don't understand why this happened and I am not sure I ever will, but I can tell you some things I do know. I know that God loves his children. I know that God lives and I know that I will someday be able to hold my sweet baby again. I anxiously await that day and treasure the small amount of time we had together in this life.
Although each day and question such as "How many children do you have?" or "Aren't you so excited for your first baby?" still causes my heart to ache I have found peace through my Savior Jesus Christ: his birth, ministry, atonement, and resurrection. No matter your trial, I pray that you too can find this peace that penetrates the soul and calms the spirit, especially during this Christmas season.
You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy
when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear
how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
We love you Baby Valle!
