life is hard.

life. its hard.

I've always heard that trials seem to hit all at the same time. you usually don't have one big thing happen. It seems as soon as one big thing hits several semi-big things arrive the join the chaos. Well recently my dad lost his job. We have basically no income right now. It's different for sure. Then our laptop started freaking out. The hard drive is bi-polar so it can be a bit frustrating. This week our dryer broke. At least we still have a washer but currently our clothes are drying in the back yard. I never realized how much I loved our old, loud dryer. Everyone is a little on edge lately, including me. No one is quite sure what to do with our situation. We want to try to live normally as to not place stress on dad and rub salt in the wound by sounding the fact he is unemployed but we also have to realize the fact that we shouldn't be taking anything for granted. It's a tough balance. With everyone on edge contention, sad to say, has a almost permenant presence in our home. No matter how much we try it still stays. My brother just punched a hole in my parents' door the other day. haha. it's sure fun.

I love my family. And it's hard for me to have this trial, especially right before I leave for college. I had this fairytale dream that we would be happy and able to just play all summer, then have a blast on a last summer vacation before I'm gone for a year. I don't see that happening.

but, that's ok. Our family has been so blessed for so long. While tons of families in our ward were in and out of work, losing their homes, and pretending to be something they're not, my family was living a pleasant and comfortable life. We had EVERYTHING we needed, and even stuff we didn't need.

and, we are still being blessed. My dad has had several job interviews. I have been able to find things for college at thrift stores and yard sales. Today I bought super nice cookie sheets for $1. I also got some bowls, organizing containers, etc. One thing I'm super excited about finding is Christmas glasses. I know it sounds weird, but let me explain. We have these super pretty glasses that have holly and berries on them that we use for Christmas dinner and sometimes Thanksgiving. They don't make these glasses anymore, but I found some! 15 for $2!!! I'm so excited (: I get to carry on the tradition with my future family. It will be so special.

in addition, I have had so many prayers answered and angels watching over me this last little while. FIRST of all, at Girls Camp last week we were in a fireside that was really interesting. All of the sudden a car alarm started going off. It was getting very distracting. I prayed that the car alarm would stop so I could get something out of this wonderful fireside. Literally right after I finished my prayer...it stopped! It was amazing. My own personal miracle. The SECOND event occurred when I was at the firework show in Melba with my family and Jay. Jay and I had walked over to see one of my friends. On our way back we had to cross a small street. We made sure we had clearance to pass since it was getting darker. We started walking and the orange pickup just kept speeding up. After he yelled out they finally stopped with the bummer touching my side. I literally could have died or been injured. It was so scary. I started crying and wouldn't stop shaking. I didn't realize what was happening, but Heavenly Father did. He loves me so much! I wish I could love him even a fraction of what he loves me. wow. THIRD, I recently had to make a really important decision. I prayed and got the answer. I knew what I had to do but it was a little scary. I then prayed for strength. I received that too. Then after I acted on the answer with the strength I thought I would be ok. I'm not. It's hard to deal with the side effects of this action. I know I did the right thing which makes it a bit easier, but it's still a huge adjustment. Sometimes I succeed in distracting myself but there is usually something there to remind me (ha! i just realized that is a song.)

and, there is one MORE blessing. Yesterday was Friday July 9th. I woke up with a bad outlook since I knew I would most likely have nothing to do that day and nothing that night to look forward to the whole day. What kind of young teenager am I? Nothing to do on a Friday night = lame. I didn't even have a babysitting job. Anyways in my morning prayers I asked Heavenly Father that if there was any way He could make it so I got my AP scores that day it would be amazing. Now maybe they were already in the mail and I would have gotten them anyways so my prayer was more on the lines of coincidence but I'd like to think it was an answered prayer because Heavenly Father knew ahead of time that I would need that yesterday (: so I'm sticking with that story. Anyways, the mail came early that day and carried with it my AP Scores. I was so nervous to open it. But I did, and immediately started crying. Just before I tell you my scores I should explain how it works. They are graded on a scale of 1 to 5. A 3 and above is passing. Previous to this year I have recieved a 3 on AP US History and a 4 on AP English Language and Composition. This year I took three AP tests. I worked my butt off for each of them. I studied my brains out and stressed for weeks. I was almost positive I had failed Statistics. Well so back to the reason I started crying...I recieved a "5" on AP English Literature and Composition and on AP Statistics!!! In addition I recieved a "4" on AP Government and Politics. I was so unbelievably happy!! I had to keep checking to make sure the scores were real. (: oh gosh! talk about distracting. I just can't express my happiness!

Anyways...so life is hard. but there are so many things to be grateful for (: well I better go and figure out what my plans are for tonight. peace out!

thoughts about life

so i've decided i like typing better than writing since i'm a perfectionist and i take forever to write...so i will be trying to update this so i can remember things. wow. i'm so tired. i'm finally done with my 3 AP tests (Statistics, Literature & Composition, and U.S. Government and Politics). tomorrow starts the last week of school for me. i'm excited, but the more i think about it i'm so unbelievably nervous. I thought everything would slow down once i finished AP tests but things keep coming at me. soon i will no longer be in high school. i still have two finals and a graduation speech to write. life just keeps coming at me. first of all my graduation speech is a complete disaster. it seems pretty hopeless since i don't want to be cheesy but i want it to be good. when i discuss this with others they try to console me by saying "no one will remember it" well thanks i know that (: but the problem is i can't just blow it off because no one will remember it because if it is stupid they will. so it has to be somewhat decent. also college is coming way to soon. i'm actually not too excited at all. i hate high school and all its crap but i'm terrified for college. the thought of making meals for myself all the time and never being able to talk to my mom face to face for several months is not one i like to entertain. i know it will be good for me and i will enjoy it but it honestly scares the crap out of me. goodness gracious.
on a lighter note, i did my senior recital last night. it went surprisingly well. i was so pleased. i wasn't even that nervous at all which is super great for me. I usually butcher songs because i'm shaking and sweating all over. not fun. but honestly it was so so fun and amazing and i just felt supported and loved by everyone there. all 3 of my teachers were able to make it which made me so happy. i couldn't have asked for anything more.
so i'm really at a loss of what to do concerning church right now. now that i'm 18 and soon to be graduated i get to decide if i go to singles ward, relief society, or stick with young womens. Young womens is awesome. i get a treat every week. honestly that is one of the parts i look forward to. the lessons are usually great as well but this is like my sixth time hearing them. i'm pretty sure i can do without them for awhile. also, even tho i love the girls they can tell i'm annoyed sometimes. i think they get annoyed with me too. in addition my leaders like to give me crap about being busy and being not able to show up to activities. seriously, give me a break. if you could only see all the things a senior now days has to do you would understand. relief society, no offense, is for old ladies. i know there are some younger ones but they are all at least 5 years older than me. sorry, but i think i'll pass. and singles ward...oh how confused i am about that. i want to be able to hang out with young people and have fun but it seems that our singles ward is full of guys who are not going on missions or young women who are not married or living at home while at college. while this is not necessarily bad i'm not sure i want to be surrounded by these influences. in addition, my mom has heard from the bishop that a large majority of the people in that ward have problems with morality and/or the word of wisdom...is that really where i want to spend my time before venturing off to college where i will need good influences and an even stronger testimony??? i'm not sure. any suggestions?
wow. well on the bright side i will be singing at the pops concert on tuesday! and i get to conduct the traditional song Omnia Sol. i'm pretty stoked but slightly nervous. we'll see how it goes. i guess there are just a lot of decisions to be making coming up. i still need a job. i still need to reserve housing for BYU-Idaho (which is where i have decided to go btw), and i need to be able to just spend some happy quality time with my family. i feel like that is one area i have seriously been lacking in this year. stout hw has kept me so busy that i just don't seem to have time for it. i know that is sad to say but it honestly is quite true. the other thing that is frustrating is that i have been working so hard (along with others -not saying i'm the only one) but some don't realize it. ug. that's a long story. but people keep praising Melanie when i'm the validictorian. sorry i won't get into that rant. i really don't need constant recognition but for the things that i work so hard for and have definitely earned to be discounted or ignorantly ignored is frustrating which i'm sure many people can relate to.
one last thing. i'm so so so so so eternally grateful for my mother. honestly she is the one who has kept me sane this last year and has helped and supported me with EVERYTHING this year. without her i honestly would not probably be the person i am today. she is so amazing and talented. she is creative and caring. i love her and i will completely and totally miss her.
i am also so thankful for my friends this year. they have helped me get through a lot. Mallory, Jay Redd (Jared Story), Marisol, Lexi, and JAY (: They are seriously great people and i have really been influenced by their testimonies and love and care for me.
anyways that's about it for today. i have a fireside in a bit. oh i should probably mention my main goal for this summer (besides getting a job). i plan to work out everyday so i look freakin hot in college! haha. but no really i just want to be healthy and happy. so i AM going to do it. FOR REAL (: sorry its just better to write it. well that's is for today! (:

WHAT'S UP?

hello again! (: i figured i should write in this after such a long time. and i just got bored of facebook so i figured i'd change it up for today. so i have a job now (: at Stone Creek Cafe. It is a really yummy country family feel restraunt. I also am preparing for this next school year. while i'm insanely excited to be a senior! (woo!) i'm also crazy nervous. there is so so much to do and decide. what to study? where to go to college? where to live when you get there? and most importantly...what to wear on the first day??? (: JK JK. anyways its going to be an adventure and that's exactly how i'm looking at it. I want to try new things, reach new goals, but still stick with my old ones. wow. that sounds uber cheesy... but its ok. well i should probably go do something productive (:

ta ta for now (said in a British accent)

(: