three questions

We often here that there are three essential questions that everyone in the world ponders about at some point in their life.
1. Who am I?
2. Where am I from?
3. Where am I going?

As a Christian I feel that I have a firm testimony of each of these questions in the eternal perspective.
1. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.
2. I came from his presence to be tested here on this earth.
3. If I am righteous, I will someday be able to return to my Father's presence.

* Don't worry, I am not going to go all preachy and/or philosophical on you.

Anyways, currently I have been struggling with each of these questions in a more temporal manner.  I am at a very transitional stage of my life and for some reason I am struggling with a few of these things.

1. Who am I?
I feel like this question is a constant struggle for many people in my age range.  With all the masks we wear around the various people in our lives sometimes it becomes difficult to figure out who we really are and how to be true to that.  More specifically in my life I am struggling with a unique facet of this concept...my voice.  As a college senior majoring in vocal studies it would seem logical that I would already know about my voice and be able to classify and understand it.  It should be signature and I should be able to sing quite well.  In the last few weeks I have had some conflicting statements offered by teachers and respected individuals regarding manipulating my voice to be more truly "me."  The problem is...I seem to have no idea what "me" is.  Everything I try, I'm told, is not "me."  This confusion combined with my personal masks and insecurities is definitely creating some confusion in my life.
One individual said something quite interesting though.  She noted that I have been with my voice for the last almost 22 years so I know it better than anyone else.  I have to stay true to me and not let other's versions of "me" affect my own version of myself.
DUH.  Sometimes I feel like a get caught in a vortex of pleasing various sources and I never think about myself and living up to my potential.  In my scripture study this morning I read this quote, "If your ultimate goal is to please Him, you will feel a deep inner peace."  How inspiring! This is my new goal.


2. Where am I from?
Ok, this seems pretty self explanatory.  I am the daughter of David and Donna Fitzen.  I was born in Pocatello but claim Nampa, ID as my home.   My struggle comes when I try to synthesize who I was, who I have been, who I am, and who I want to be.  Wow, that sounds deep.  It isn't really. I am trying to combine elements I like about my 12 year old self with characteristics of my 17 year old self, and now my 21 year old self.   I guess I am just trying to be the best version of myself possible.  Talk about an eternal quest.  I just keep going back to the previous quote I shared.  Hmmmm.


3. Where am I going?
This one seems to be the source all the other above concerns mentioned above.  Although logically it is absurd, I feel that as a college graduate I should have more of my life put together than I do.  I don't know where I will be working this summer.  I don't know where I will be student teaching in the fall.  I have no clue what I will be doing after that.  I feel terrified to be a real grown up.  Of course I am excited for many of the possibilities that life can afford me but there is so much uncertainty.  I'm sure we've all been there, if we aren't continually in that position.  I feel like my life for the past 17 years has been defined by school and my hobbies and accomplishments therein.  I am interested to see how my life will change without the structure and definition I have had....Perhaps I will truly figure out the answer to question #1 and #2.
I know I want to keep learning.  I want to learn how to paint using water-colors.  I want to arrange more music.  I want to learn to play guitar. I want to plant a garden.


Through it all the previous quote keeps coming to mind....


"When our only desire is to please Him we will find a deep inner peace."